Friday, February 9, 2007

Backfire

RJ here again. Now that it's been a few hours (almost a day, actually), I feel like I can talk about last night.

It's kind of funny *now*, but I promise it wasn't last night. See, yesterday I was supposed to be doing some schoolwork and general busywork related to the Bible to keep me occupied while J packed. Of course, while I was reading a textbook, I got a little... excited. J had told me I wasn't to have fun until he got back and told me I could, so I stopped right before I finished. I confessed to my disobedience, of course, and he had me handwrite out the entire chapter of Romans 8. Oddly enough, it was a very effective punishment... you just have to ignore the words 'slave', 'bondage', 'sex', etc. =P

It did end up turning me totally against trying to please myself without permission, but more on that later. Anyways, once I was finished with my punishment, I asked J if I could come before I fell asleep. I should interject here that I pretty much always have to have an orgasm in order to fall asleep quickly and soundly. But I digress. He told me that he felt like he couldn't let me, and that God would give me the sleep I needed because I was honouring him. I was a little uncomfortable with this, but I thanked him and knew I should at least try it. That was where I went wrong; I was uncomfortable spiritually with something (or rather, I was uncomfortable because I wasn't uncomfortable with it spiritually, if that makes any sense), and I should have spoken up at that point. But I didn't.

I went to bed, and apparently J did some online studying and had his views on masturbation challenged. From what I understand, he started to realize that maybe it wasn't quite so bad and impure and sinful as he had always thought. He considered calling me and telling me he had changed his mind, but didn't-- figuring I was already asleep.

Hahaha. No. I tossed and turned until 3:15, when I just snapped and couldn't take it any more. I was supposed to get up at 6:30 this morning, and besides a heart condition that mandates a lot of sleep, I had an exam and a full day of classes, studying, and laundry the next day. (We'd later learn that it would also be full of stress and drama, but that's for later) I called his cell phone 4 or 5 times, growing increasingly more hysterical with each unanswered call. I was crying hysterically by the time he finally answered. "I can't do this anymore, I fail at this, God hates me and I fail and He didn't give me sleep and he hates me and I can't do it!" Yes, the joys of exhausted, hysterical, incoherent shrieking. In a dorm. At 3 AM. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice.

J spent my entire nonsensical hysteria repeating my name over and over again and shushing me-- something I normally hate but found very calming last night. I finally swallowed a sob and let him talk. That was when I discovered what he had read and learned about, and when I got slightly irritated at him for not calling or at least texting, since I had been up all night.

Somewhere in the middle of our conversation, he suddenly said, "Wow! Do you realize you spent 4 hours in misery rather than just disobeying?" Of course, that didn't make me feel *that* much better, but I had to agree. It was a semi-sobering reminder that playing around with D/s, especially without the kind of commitment we strive to have some day, is a bit like playing with fire. J learned that he has to be careful to pray about ruled before setting them, and I learned that I'm equally (if not more) responsible for my own well-being, and if I don't think something is okay for me, I need to speak up.

Even though there's a tiny bit of trust lost between us over this, a good D/s relationship is built on the gradually decreasing ebb and flow of trust. J has proven over and over again, especially last night with apologizing over the incident, that he's more than fit to be my master. The key is waiting until we're married to call him that or give him everything.

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posted by rjjr06 @ 8:35 PM Comments: 0