brief hiatus
I've decided that I'll take a chronic sore throat and chest yuckiness over a severe stomach bug. =( Still guzzling Gatorade and watching what I eat. Of course, I *really* want to eat that strawberry cheesecake frozen yogurt and chicken pot pie, but the doctor says they're a no-no. Maybe I'll ask my RA to pick me up some more Gatorade later... =/
Anyways, J's 'birthday present' to me really helped me out to day! The flash drive he handed down to me helped me get to class a little less late today... instead of taking 45 minutes to print that assignment, it only took me 30! I was only 20 minutes late! w00t.
Weird things have been happening to me lately. Maybe I'm just delirious, but I've felt a lot of 'clicking' going on lately. As in, my brain has been doing weird things and shifting me around. It's a little hard to notice if I'm not watching for it... I have one friend who will walk in sometimes and occasionally say something like "I go night night now!" For some reason, this triggers a childlike part of my brain and I'm really attracted to puppies, stuffed animals, bright colours, dragon books, and other things I really liked as a little girl. Sometimes I switch out of it right away, sometimes the weirdness hangs onto me for a while. It's never consistent. And sometimes I switch to it without meaning to. And I have other moments where I switch into whore mode and I'm really not myself. I've been forgetting a lot of things, including conversations with J. Normally I hide it okay (I don't think J notices as often as I do it, lol), but if he doesn't give me any sort of trigger to go back into whatever mode I was in when I was talking to him about it, I get confused and can't remember.
I've been trying to investigate MPD/DID a lot more lately, because it does seem to be more and more applicable the more I read... however, I don't think I have a suicidal 'alter' or part, or if I do, she's well hidden! There's the Intelligent/studious R, the Little R, the Whore-y R, the medical R (who may actually be another form of Intelligent R) who doesn't get embarrassed over much, the Pain Slut/SI-ing R, A weird, psychotic, very unstable part with an alternate spelling of my name, and a gross, dirty little girl with my legal name (I'm trying to change my name to R from the name that starts with J because J is the gross, bad name) who mostly stays hidden away.
My psychologist is going to run tests the next few weeks, but I already know I have *problems* with dissociating, at the very least, and that I have some Borderline tendencies. And to quote my darling J, "By some, I mean a lot." =P
Damning Dreamworld
Dream time.
---
I remember football. A giant field that ended up being in a friend of mine's house. By a friend of mine I mean someone my mind completely made up. But we made a few dents in the walls and stuff of his house, fun but not really cool when his "Dad" showed up.
A character in many ways not dissimilar to your mom, with strange requests and personal laws that had to be carried out to a T. One of these was a old American War of some sort reenactment with live people, very slowly, in turn based combat. Turned out to be the civil war. I started out carrying the American flag, but it turned into the Confederate flag somehow. You know how dreams are.
Now, this is partly what got me starting to pray. Between rounds, the end of round action, I think I heard this 3 times actually now that i think about it, everything would get real quiet and you would hear, "...FIRE!" And then the loudest cannon you'd ever think of hearing goes off.
Yeah. Also, I remember a very SLOWLY moving conveyor belt with something on it that I thought was a disguised bomb, and I tried to warn people and have them call off the "game" or reenactment so I could deal with it.
On a lighter note, a good friend of mine was getting married. To some random guy that I apparently didn't have a problen with. Sweet. Also, there was a separate table for those of the African-American persuasion (May have had to do with the civil war thing in the dream), and they gave me some ribs. This was the high-point of the dream.
There was a 50-ish old lady in the dream that helped with the bomb thing (I think it was a hoax, I don't remember.) It sorta shifted so we were in some sort of music store. There was a shelf that had what was listed to be played at a radio station that day, but I kinda knocked it over. There were extras, and my producer for a band I'm in (a 40-year old nice gay black man if it makes difference, both IRL and in the dream) asked me if it was okay if he took some of the extras. I said sure, although I didn't know. Apparently, it wasn't and he and I managed to come up with an act to get the music back into the store. Dream moods for this section.
Alright, now we're getting close to the nightmarish part. My producer is driving me to a bus stop, and we're talking about homosexuality (because he's gay I guess). Lets me out, I'm standing at the bus stop. There's a few people, it's snowing. (white snow, watching fall sorta. Not dirty or melting.) And now that I think about it, I was waiting for a bus that was going the wrong way. Oh well.
Bus shows up. A few people get onto the bus but then it has to wait for traffic. It's kinda like a streetcar in that it's in the far left lane and traffic is SUPPOSED to stop for it. This traffic didn't, and it was coming in the opposite direction. One woman starts to cross, and I try and tell her to wait, but she couldn't hear me. She was hit by an automobile, not hard, enough to stun her and leave her kinda woozy. This turned out to be my beloved RJ =(.
It's a really old guy and his wife. The old guy and I are trying to see if you're okay. I'm more concerned than he is. Suddenly my Dad was standing off to the side as well. "You're not helping him, go check with the wife and see if they have insurance and stuff." Alright. I go and do that. They have insurance up to 1200something dollars. Cool. He doesn't have a drivers license to start, and then suddenly has one later (c'est la dreams), but they're kind of like temporary papers. So, from no license, to license. I can't remember any of the written details on the license. I turn around, and the old guy is gone, it's just dad with her.
He's looking in her eyes with a flashlight, and ends up saying something along the lines of "You should be fine, but you need to go to the doctor. I know they're all closed now back home (states I guess), and here's some money to pay the doctor when you get there. He then gives you an amount of change that probably wouldn't be enough to cover the doctor. =P I look back at the papers, and there's a picture. The picture's just of a neck to shoulder outline. That doesn't help at all. But I take a closer look and... hey, wait a second? That's my picture? (I'm getting very chills and am kinda tearing up at this. IRL, not dream.) There's other papers, and I flip through them, same license, but every time I flip through, more and more of me is exposed in the picture, and I'm naked in them. I'm totally overwhelmed with fear and then I wake up.
---
Don't ask me what it means but I'm pretty scared as hell.
Disobedience
I'm not sure why I'm so upset over missing chapel. It's not that I didn't go; apparently it depends entirely on who's watching the door when it comes to what time counts as on time, late, and too late. =/ Today they actually told me I was 'too late', which is a first! Normally I don't mind missing chapel. I don't even mind being on probation, as long as it doesn't involve community service. But J told me specifically not to be too late, and even with my new-found independence I still want to make him happy.
So J, take comfort in the fact that I will probably get back to school in time for evening chapel on Sunday and won't be put on probation. 143, and I'm sorry I messed up. =(
-R
More site updates
J and I decided to rename the blog as Sacred Slavery, which is what marriage is to us (our future marriage anyways), so I changed the title and the banner. And yes, the banner is fixed.
In other news, I'm not interested in sex hardly at all lately. I can't explain it... I just don't feel much drive at all. I constantly hover between 2/10 and 4/10 libido. =/ In fact, I don't think I came before going to sleep last night. Or maybe I did and was so sleepy it acted as an amnesiac. Either way, I'm not feeling much sexual desire lately. Probably a result of antibiotics and being sick and fatigued. Oh well.
I'm having night fears a lot more than I used to, also... I plan on seeking counseling during the counseling center's walk-in hours on Friday, after I weigh myself at 10. I'm not sure which of those things scares me more, honestly! but I know I need to get counseling... I'm a basket case. I'll post updates when I go. =)
Why a wolf?
It all stems from a weird dream I had... and our shared love of anything wolfish, including Siberian Huskies.
In my dream, I was inside our RPG. I thought J's character had been eaten by a wolf, but really he had just turned into the wolf. I quested on alone, then got kidnapped by some sort of pillaging, maurading group evil men. Maybe they were vikings. Or land pirates. Or something else. I'm not sure. Anyways, they wanted me to die through 'wolf rape', which apparently involves forcing someone to try to have sex with a wolf and then laughing hysterically when said wolf rips them to shreds and eats them for lunch. However, when I laid down next to the wolf, it turned out that he was J's character, secretly transformed into a wolf for unknown reasons. He scooped me onto his back, growled at the men, and rescued me from them.
If you think about it, that's kind of how our relationship started. Originally, I threw myself at him, practically begging him to let me move to Canada and live with him; I told him I would do ANYTHING (except missionary and scat) he wanted, whenever he wanted it, if he would please just take care of me and tell me I was a good person. Took some convincing at first, but then he actually agreed... and then we fasted together and he told me not to tempt him anymore. =) My beloved hero... wanting to protect my honor and show me that he liked me (and now loves me) for more than just what I could offer him. And in so many ways, he's rescued me from my 'rapists'. I didn't realize just how applicable the dream was until I mentioned it to a friend earlier today.
But in case you were wondering, that's mostly why we have a wolf on our blog. =D
ties cut, bonds built
Relatively nice evening. Skipped church because I wasn't feeling well, didn't study as well as I could have, and talked to J's best friend for a bit. It was nice enough. =) Once J finally disentangled himself from my grasp in MSN. I started studying for a major A+P exam tomorrow. Oops. Anyways, I think I'm doing alright, if I can just remember that darned 3rd antibiotic pill every night and get better! But I digress. I cut some very damaging ties with some frankly very weird people I'm better off without... although they are rather amusing to watch bicker and fight amongst themselves! I almost want to see how they're going to implode from the inside out. Almost.
I also spent much of my 'studying time' after J actually went to bed (he logged back on a few hours later =D) looking at credit cards. I'm not sure which one to get, but I've narrowed it down to about 4 or 5 and am waiting for a consumer site to email me back with information. I'm thinking about going for a cashback, low APR, no annual fee kind of card. If you have ideas, please leave a comment! This is a big thing in my life right now, because it represents freedom to me... but no worries, I plan on using it like a debit card-- taking the money 'out' of my checking account (as far as I'm concerned) immediately after I use it. And I doubt I'll use it much. Checks and cash are much better for me to use, but I would like to start building credit while I'm young.
Yes, being 18 is very nice. I also want to get forest green highlights, take a roadtrip to see J, look more goth, chemically straighten my hair, get a second set of piercings in my ears, get a brazilian wax, buy some fun 'toys'... maybe even join political campaigns and stuff! I definitely want to register to vote at some point.
I think I'm going to like being an adult. =)
-R
P.S. I downloaded Opera for free and love it... even more than FF, if that's possible! I highly recommend it, if you're able to.
Lessons learned the hard way... but learned.
Short post, but worth posting.
As RJ posted earlier, she lost her collar. Got it back, but the principle is still there. Don't mess around with other people. It just goes to show that when you do that, you aren't actually mine. But I'm glad that when you came back you were able to put a stop to it, and that you were able to go above and beyond the call of duty in making restitution. That's my kitten.
Back in my home and native land, with the caribou and the lumberjacks and the igloos. (No.) Long trip, but made it back. RJ and I have a long ways to go, and in some ways it's an uphill battle, but we're going along side by side, and I know that I'm committed to making it work. Been less than 100 hours since we were physically separated again and I miss that terribly. But looking forward to when I'll be counting down from 100 hours to when I get to see her again.
Miss you. 143.
New Banner
I was too depressed and sick to study a whole lot, so I made a banner for the blog. I know it's not perfect, but whenever we decide on a name for the blog and I have to fix it, I'll do a better job with width and everything.
Goodbye, Collar. *cries*
I took my collar off for the day. =( I was devastated to have to do it, but I followed my punishment guidelines well enough. Anyways, I wasn't supposed to tempt J earlier in the night, but I did anyways. *sigh* Sooner or later, I'll be a good girl and stop doing this crap with other people. And even with J, until we get married. But for now, I have to be punished for this kind of mess.
This is a little poem I wrote out of the depths of my sadness and self-hatred:
All her waking hours
They pile filth in her.
"She asks for it."
They say. "She likes
To be used this way.
It's all she's good for."
And she nods along,
Because it's all she knows.
She doesn't see that really
She's a priceless Chalice,
Crafted by her Master
To quench His thirst
And decorate His table.
He wants her to see her worth
But every day she says,
"No, I want to serve. I want
To be used to please someone.
This is all I'm good for."
She doesn't see Him curl up at night
And weep into His polishing rag:
"You settle for all their filth;
All I want to do is clean you.
Why can't you let me love you?
Why don't you let me use you?"
She sits on His table, filthy,
Day after day. To serve Him
Is all that she wants, and yet
It's all that she hides from.
Long Three Days
So, it's been 3 days since I've posted here. Wasn't in the best mood today (thank you Dad, that's a whole other story). After being dragged from place to place until we finally find a hotel with internet that Dad likes and is willing to pay for, I finally drop my gear and set up my laptop, only to be tackled by my little kitten. She can miss me sometimes... a lot. =) Looked forward to a fun night.
After some "physical" play, I kinda talked about my frustrations with my dad, and she tried to top me and told me to shush for a while while she did top things to me. Which is kind of fun - sometimes. Tonight was pretty good. But I wanted to see how easily I could get the situation around, so after forcing my tongue down her throat a bit (she really likes that), she offered to let me take out my frustration on her. Which I'll never do in anger, but I'll do in fun. =)
So we got to our own little "hotel", gothic of course, with a hotel with bed posts and a spanking bench, which I forced her to hold herself to as I whipped her. Then we worked on helping her through missionary issues, as she then tried to top but then we ended up back in one of her favorite fantasies, maybe which I'll explain in a later post.
But after her "grand finale", I was still kind of empty. You see, there's a small caveat to all this - we're roleplaying this all out while my dad's in the second hotel bed in the same room as me. Which makes "relieving" yourself kind of difficult without being noticed. However, that aside, it was fun hiding in the bathroom and getting off to my kitten's voice. >< And, aside from some disconnects, overall took my mind off the fact that my dad and I can't travel together without major mishap.
I love my kitten.
Good Ol' Fashioned FUN.
So. We had some fun from 600 miles apart. nothing too outrageous... it actually started out quite vanilla. And quite switch-ish. And missionary-ish at parts. But overall, it was pretty fun.
I guess this just goes to prove that I really am mostly subbish, but I can switch when I want to. And either way is a whole lot of fun.
*kisses to J* 143. See you tomorrow.
11/10 on the relevance scale...
Wet and alone
Wah. I want J to be online right now. I'm a little bit of everything... sad, clingy, irritable, confused, blissful, and turned on. But especially the last one. Oddly enough, I'm not in the mood for the usual stuff. I don't feel like heavy bondage or spanking or humiliation tonight. I'm in a loungey, hormonal, "I miss you and want to be close to you" kind of mood. One that totally kills any thoughts of having fun by myself-- I mean, if I want to do it for the closeness, what fun would doing it alone be?
Normally I'm very kinky and have a lot of libido, but tonight I just want J to kiss me, touch my breasts again, enjoy me... I want to feel useful, close to him. I want to go down on him, sucking and licking him in a frenzy until he comes on my face and in my mouth.
And I want him to blog some more. I like listening to him talk about me. Or reading it, as the case may be. I'll settle for any of the above right now. ;-)
The Week of 30,000 Calories
Yikes. Apparently the combination of hanging out with J, not having J, and getting sick has wreaked havoc on my appetite. I've eaten nonstop this week! I want to stop but just can't... blah! I think Monday will be the day I try to get back on target with eating 800 cals or less a day, so sort of as an excuse I'm eating all my 'binge foods' now.
I miss J. =( I have homework and tests and other un-funness to take care of, and all I want to do is talk to him. I suppose I'd better stop blogging and start studying (read as: eating everything in sight again) until he gets back.
Shoo, Fly, Don't Bother Me!
...I belong to somebody.
Yes, this is the collar. Cute, isn't it? It has a bad habit of sliding down my neck, as you can see, but other than that it's pretty cute. I'm just playing around on the computer when I need to be sleeping or doing homework, but I don't want to risk missing J again. :( He's gone out to eat with some family members and I miss him! He'll be back soon, and when he gets back, I'll be waiting to tackle him with kisses.
Morning Class Cancelled
I arrived 10 minutes late at my 8:15 class only to find the room darkened and the chairs on top of the table. I have a sinking suspicion I was supposed to go somewhere for something special, but I was sick yesterday and so have no earthly idea. All I know is that I want J to be awake so we can talk.
I miss him a good bit. It's been easier than I thought, because I've been too numb to feel a whole lot. But every once in a while, I'll get an ache for him and have to fight tears, and that's when I shove myself back into numbness. It's only temporary. We can handle this. Right?
So, J, when you get up, know that I miss you and took my antibiotics like I was supposed to and that I'm going to get to bed on time tonight for sure. =)
Accounts
It finally happened.
I finally got sick of logging in and out of accounts. And forgetting the rjjr06 password. And forgetting to sign my posts as RJ.
So I did the unthinkable.
I added J and I as administrators of the blog. *gasp* *wheeze* *yes*
So no longer will you have to wonder who made a post. And I really adored your last entry, J. =) I don't know what I'd do without you.
143, 1432
Well... what can I say. Not much.
2/10/07 20:00 - 2/14/07 00:30 = The most amazing, magical, and best hours of my life thus lived.
Until I had to leave.
I'll just touch on a few (not all of) the high points of the trip.
First Kiss - RJ dedicated a whole post to it already. Sometimes music has a calming ability, sometimes it excites. And in this case, it was excitement, especially being a first.
Training Collar - I've discovered an interesting thing about how this relationship can work. I'm going to call it "Passive 24/7". The trip, for a lot of the time, was, dare I say it, almost vanilla at times. When I wanted it to be. But with the collar there, all I have to do is put my fingers on it and she knows that I mean business, and it's D/s mode.
Anyways, yeah, yesterday night, RJ earned her training collar. It's not much, just a small black dog collar that we picked up at Wal-Mart, but it's amazing how attractive she makes it look. It suits her perfectly. Every time my fingers are around the collar, she listens, and follows. Or at least that's the plan. At one point in the car on Tuesday afternoon, she broke one of the guideline rules and I had to take the collar off for a while to remind her how empty she feels without it. But then she got it back.
Tuesday Evening - Wow... just... wow. Well, for starts, we started with the "Crap, the trip is almost over" emotion when we went back to walmart to replace something I lost. On the way back, we went from "Crap, it's almost over" to "Crap, it's almost over, let's not waste time", and then a weird, vanilla-ish version of stuff we've done kind of took over, on a side road not too far from her university. And we made out. And she got off, on my count, 12 times, hands free. That's something that I really like about my kitten - she's so emotionally powerful that she can get off on (my) command. And she leaned over me while I let myself off, and then something interesting happened.
She asked me to climb on top of her and let her get off. Which sounds innocent at first. But when you throw in the face that one of her main absolute dealbreakers is "I will never do anything in the missionary position", I was kind of surprised. Being careful, I sort of leaned over and didn't climb on all the way, but it's interesting and it shows hope for the future.
Valentine's Day, aka The Last Half Hour - Right about now it started to sink in for both of us that the trip was coming to a close, so we stood out in the gazebo outside her dorm, and we stood up, and we danced, and we cried. Not "she cried and I comforted her", but we cried. A JR first, pretty much. Something I didn't think was entirely possible, but I guess it is. Some things are just worth crying over, but I digress.
Then, a phenomenon I like to call "Nothing we ever do is normal" started to enact itself. Even when we try to be nice and normal. Like, losing the umbrella more than once, not being able to hold each other without the headphones getting in the way, wrong songs, etc. She walked me back to the car, and we had about 28 or so last kisses. I didn't want to leave my kitten, she was too beautiful and too attractive and we were just too perfect.
Finally, I brought enough humor into the situation to work my way up to leaving. I didn't get 3 seconds before I stopped the car and completely broke down - again, something I wasn't sure was entirely possible, considering I don't remember the last time I cried outside of an act of God. But, my kitten is worth crying over. She's mine, and I don't like it when she's kept away from me. But it's only temporary, and looking forward to the next time we can meet again.
Happy Valentine's Day, mi reyna y querida. Farewell, but not goodbye. We'll meet again.
-JR
So much...
R: So much to try to recap... My head is spinning.
I already posted about our first kiss. I failed to mention that before that we went to church and talked to a homeless man, then his dad showed up and we went to Zaxby's. Then we cried in my dorm lobby until he left-- only to call me a bit later and inform me that he was going to be around until Tuesday night, instead of leaving that night for a few days.
Then we went to my classes the next day, then took a walk, then went to Walmart in the middle of the night to get my collar. That was pretty adventuresome in and of itself-- talk about a hard time getting a taxi.
Our collaring ceremony was nothing big, but then it was just my training collar. I knelt in front of him on a little stone bench in this gardeny area outside Walmart, and he put my collar on me. Then his dad picked us up and dropped me off at my dorm, and I put my groceries away and finally fell into the bed.
On my birthday, he called a few times, and I finally got out of bed around 12. My roommate had cleaned my room for me, which was amazing (the best birthday present she could have given me), so I just showered, got dressed, and took the trash from my room down to the van. I meant to dump it later, but I ended up leaving it in his car. We went to Claire's at the mall, then Dairy Queen, Taco Bell (to stabilize my blood sugar), and a few other places, I think... it's all kind of a blur.
We were supposed to meet my brother and grandmother (my grandmother rocks! She's a trekkie and likes LotR), but there was so much drama surrounding it... and then my mom called... and I was really tired and in pain because I was on my period. =( And J was dropping because he was scared. I was so dazed and out of it that I left him in the gazebo to go call my dad; if I had been more alert, I would have seen how badly off he was and not left him. But I did, and he went into the hole and scratched his arms-- deeply. I felt terrible when I found out, but I can't undo leaving him alone. Next time I'll try to be more alert to his needs, even if I'm not feeling excellent myself.
But we ended up going out to eat, and things were great... we took some pictures, got more ice cream, cried a lot... then we kissed and I got off several times, and J wanted some fun too, so we found a deserted street and I semi-climbed on top of him so he could get himself off... it was fun. And I got off several more times at that. Then we went back to the dorm to fold laundry, talk about the future, and generally engage in aftercare.
Finally it was time for us to part ways. we stood in the gazebo for a long while, holding each other, crying, listening to The Day it Rained Forever (Aurora) and 'dancing'-- clinging to each other and swaying a bit. =P We were wet and cold and dripping snot all over each other, but we didn't care. Then I walked him to his car, and God kept playing jokes for us-- knocking the umbrella out of our hands, dropping my shirt on the wet ground, making us laugh through our tears. I think J wants to write a more detailed entry about that, so I won't elaborate too much.
But as I reached my dorm, crying into his soggy Canada shirt, I heard him yell across the parking lot, "I love you!" I raised my hand to him, but I was sobbing so hard I couldn't say it back. Not to worry, though-- when he got on MSN later that night, I told him I loved him too.
It was a nice experience, all things considered. Previously, he thought he was broken because he couldn't cry. Now we know he's not. =) I miss him worse than I thought I would, but I'm also okay. We'll be alright. We have our webcams, and we have voice chat. We'll make it until we see each other again.
By the way, J, did you ever dump the trash I left in the front passenger seat of your van? oops... And don't forget to hide the black Valentine's Day present I gave you!
-R
First Kiss
Wow. What a beautiful thing. J serenaded me tonight on the piano, and I rubbed his back and nibbled on his ear... then, he suddenly stopped playing and told me to sit on my lap. Once I sat down, he said, "I don't want to wait for your birthday. Can I kiss you now?" I was surprised and scared and thrilled and nervous all at once, but I nodded and closed my mouth, and he pecked me quickly on the lips. It wasn't terribly amazing, and I was a little disappointed. Not wanting my first kiss experience to be empty, I reached around behind his neck and pulled his head back down onto mine. Suddenly, we were kissing passionately-- mouths open, tongues teasing each other, me lying on my back on his lap and him holding my head and kissing me hard. I was shaking and orgasming at the same time, completely out of control. Then he stopped and pulled me out of the practice room, and I felt confused and happy and upset all mixed together-- all I can remember is a few pictures of us standing there, and lots of pink and blue and green and white and grey... so many different emotions muddled into that night.
Then we did a lot more kissing in my dorm lobby until my RA told us to quit... but overall, our first kiss together was beautifully D/s and vanilla and US that it's unbelievable. Everything it was supposed to be.
-R
Sleeplessness
RJ: My body is exhausted, but part of me is too excited to sleep. And I'm not talking about my brain. All my second 'brain' can think of is making him happy, pleasing him physically while he pushes my head down onto his lap and pulls my hair a bit and says, "good girl". I know what he really wants from me right now is obedience and cooperation, and I"m trying really hard, but things are so... crazy right now.
I thought I would lose all my attraction for him, and at first I was really shy. But once we were sitting in the lobby of my dorm, watching something vanilla enough on his laptop, and I started snuggling against his arms... I think that's when the pheremones and the reality of the situation kickced in. I did it timidly at first; I almost wasn't thinking about what I was doing. But then we got more and more attracted to each other.
J was right in saying that all the emotions tend to come back... I was surprised by how strongly they returned. Suddenly he was J again, my J, and it was like we'd been doing it all our lives. Now to get some sleep before I lose control tomorrow and unzip his pants in a semi-vanilla setting... yikes.
Reflections In Prose
JR here. Again, not a man of many words. But so far the trip has definately been worth it. But here's the odd thing about it, and this goes either as a blessing or a warning to anyone else seeking any kind of internet relationship. Once you get over the "Are you really you?" stage of the relationship, the emotions that were there don't really change. You'll feel pretty much however you felt before you became a real person. The only thing that changes is the physical reinforcement of your emotion. Which, in the case of how I feel, definately makes the almost 20 hour drive worth the trip. (includes border and non-sleep stops)
Meanwhile, while enjoying this new found physical aspect, I'm going to be relying on RJ's growing ability to take orders (and my ability to know when to give them). 90% of communication is non-verbal, which makes the trip that much more interesting. When we're together I can use what she's doing as a lens into her mind. I can feel her twitch under me. I can see when she's thinking what I want her to and what I want her to much later. This is stuff that I have no chance of reading from a distance when I can't even see, let alone feel, what's going on.
So, in conclusion, RJ, the first day's been totally awesome. Way too short, but totally awesome, and I look forward both to the rest of the week, and when you learn more thought control so I can do more things. =)
To the rest of you, peace out, and the acronym for Reflections In Prose (RIP) is totally unintentional.
Meeting
RJ: So. We've met. I think I'm still in shock over everything. I thought I was going to pass out when he first walked through the doors. Two of my closest friends from the school were there to meet him with me, just to be safe (and for the moral support I desperately needed!) I'm still too in shock to formulate words at this point. I'll post more later.
JR: Everything's cool. That's pretty much all I have to say because I don't say much. Few words, more impact. More later. Peace out.
Countdown
As I said earlier, J and I will be meeting in person for the first time this weekend. It will be really interesting... I'm partly afraid we'll hate each other, partly afraid we'll like each other too much. I'm still trying to find people willing to take pictures of us at our first meeting; I want to ask my roommate if I can borrow her digi for a bit, but I'm not sure what she'll say. =/ I'm really hoping a friend will be able to get a few pictures of our small collaring ceremony (I'm getting my training collar this week, hopefully!), but if not I'm sure we can take pictures afterwards.
It's really weird, sitting here and knowing that J is about to become a 'real person' to me. There was discussion early in the evening of my angry mother rampaging a few hundred miles from the house to get me and drag me home when she heard he was going to be meeting me in person, but it seems that she's less suspicious of me being slutty (now) and more concerned that I met him online. Oh well. We're smart; we'll always be in a crowd of my friends, and I plan on giving some of them a safe word-- not that I'll need it, but just so I can say I'm being safer than I really am.
I suppose my biggest fear, aside from us just 'not working out' in person, is that J won't like the way I look or smell in person. =/ Probably irrational, but I'm paranoid right now. I'm sure things will go fine, but I'm still pretty unnerved right now. Of course, the fact that it's been an utterly long 24 hours isn't helping; probably after a good night's sleep I'll be fine.
Can't wait to meet you, J. =) Drive safely tomorrow, and get good rest tonight.
-R
Backfire
RJ here again. Now that it's been a few hours (almost a day, actually), I feel like I can talk about last night.
It's kind of funny *now*, but I promise it wasn't last night. See, yesterday I was supposed to be doing some schoolwork and general busywork related to the Bible to keep me occupied while J packed. Of course, while I was reading a textbook, I got a little... excited. J had told me I wasn't to have fun until he got back and told me I could, so I stopped right before I finished. I confessed to my disobedience, of course, and he had me handwrite out the entire chapter of Romans 8. Oddly enough, it was a very effective punishment... you just have to ignore the words 'slave', 'bondage', 'sex', etc. =P
It did end up turning me totally against trying to please myself without permission, but more on that later. Anyways, once I was finished with my punishment, I asked J if I could come before I fell asleep. I should interject here that I pretty much always have to have an orgasm in order to fall asleep quickly and soundly. But I digress. He told me that he felt like he couldn't let me, and that God would give me the sleep I needed because I was honouring him. I was a little uncomfortable with this, but I thanked him and knew I should at least try it. That was where I went wrong; I was uncomfortable spiritually with something (or rather, I was uncomfortable because I wasn't uncomfortable with it spiritually, if that makes any sense), and I should have spoken up at that point. But I didn't.
I went to bed, and apparently J did some online studying and had his views on masturbation challenged. From what I understand, he started to realize that maybe it wasn't quite so bad and impure and sinful as he had always thought. He considered calling me and telling me he had changed his mind, but didn't-- figuring I was already asleep.
Hahaha. No. I tossed and turned until 3:15, when I just snapped and couldn't take it any more. I was supposed to get up at 6:30 this morning, and besides a heart condition that mandates a lot of sleep, I had an exam and a full day of classes, studying, and laundry the next day. (We'd later learn that it would also be full of stress and drama, but that's for later) I called his cell phone 4 or 5 times, growing increasingly more hysterical with each unanswered call. I was crying hysterically by the time he finally answered. "I can't do this anymore, I fail at this, God hates me and I fail and He didn't give me sleep and he hates me and I can't do it!" Yes, the joys of exhausted, hysterical, incoherent shrieking. In a dorm. At 3 AM. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice.
J spent my entire nonsensical hysteria repeating my name over and over again and shushing me-- something I normally hate but found very calming last night. I finally swallowed a sob and let him talk. That was when I discovered what he had read and learned about, and when I got slightly irritated at him for not calling or at least texting, since I had been up all night.
Somewhere in the middle of our conversation, he suddenly said, "Wow! Do you realize you spent 4 hours in misery rather than just disobeying?" Of course, that didn't make me feel *that* much better, but I had to agree. It was a semi-sobering reminder that playing around with D/s, especially without the kind of commitment we strive to have some day, is a bit like playing with fire. J learned that he has to be careful to pray about ruled before setting them, and I learned that I'm equally (if not more) responsible for my own well-being, and if I don't think something is okay for me, I need to speak up.
Even though there's a tiny bit of trust lost between us over this, a good D/s relationship is built on the gradually decreasing ebb and flow of trust. J has proven over and over again, especially last night with apologizing over the incident, that he's more than fit to be my master. The key is waiting until we're married to call him that or give him everything.
Labels: bdsm, chastity, Christian bdsm, D/s, domination, psychological domination, slave training, submission
Introduction
RJ posting. I'm the fem/sub in a beautiful, (mostly) nonsexual long distance D/s relationship with JR. He's currently driving across the continent to see me, so he'll post later. For the sake of safety and anonymity (a beautiful, wonderful thing to have if your parents or future in-laws are at all web and blog savvy), we won't use our real names or locations.
Of course, other than that, you'll be privy to quite a bit of the rest of our lives, private or not. More to come later.
Labels: bdsm, D/s, domination, submission
