brief hiatus

I've decided that I'll take a chronic sore throat and chest yuckiness over a severe stomach bug. =( Still guzzling Gatorade and watching what I eat. Of course, I *really* want to eat that strawberry cheesecake frozen yogurt and chicken pot pie, but the doctor says they're a no-no. Maybe I'll ask my RA to pick me up some more Gatorade later... =/

Anyways, J's 'birthday present' to me really helped me out to day! The flash drive he handed down to me helped me get to class a little less late today... instead of taking 45 minutes to print that assignment, it only took me 30! I was only 20 minutes late! w00t.

Weird things have been happening to me lately. Maybe I'm just delirious, but I've felt a lot of 'clicking' going on lately. As in, my brain has been doing weird things and shifting me around. It's a little hard to notice if I'm not watching for it... I have one friend who will walk in sometimes and occasionally say something like "I go night night now!" For some reason, this triggers a childlike part of my brain and I'm really attracted to puppies, stuffed animals, bright colours, dragon books, and other things I really liked as a little girl. Sometimes I switch out of it right away, sometimes the weirdness hangs onto me for a while. It's never consistent. And sometimes I switch to it without meaning to. And I have other moments where I switch into whore mode and I'm really not myself. I've been forgetting a lot of things, including conversations with J. Normally I hide it okay (I don't think J notices as often as I do it, lol), but if he doesn't give me any sort of trigger to go back into whatever mode I was in when I was talking to him about it, I get confused and can't remember.

I've been trying to investigate MPD/DID a lot more lately, because it does seem to be more and more applicable the more I read... however, I don't think I have a suicidal 'alter' or part, or if I do, she's well hidden! There's the Intelligent/studious R, the Little R, the Whore-y R, the medical R (who may actually be another form of Intelligent R) who doesn't get embarrassed over much, the Pain Slut/SI-ing R, A weird, psychotic, very unstable part with an alternate spelling of my name, and a gross, dirty little girl with my legal name (I'm trying to change my name to R from the name that starts with J because J is the gross, bad name) who mostly stays hidden away.

My psychologist is going to run tests the next few weeks, but I already know I have *problems* with dissociating, at the very least, and that I have some Borderline tendencies. And to quote my darling J, "By some, I mean a lot." =P

posted by Rachel @ 3:23 PM Comments: 0